


What On Realm?

by dont_fold_the_pages



Category: Smosh
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Magic, Boze Shayne and Damien are the most chaotic trio, Comedy, Enemies to Friends, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Smosh Games - Freeform, Smosh Games are adorably dumb, just friendship and chaos, not really any romance, yonderland vibes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-01-20 17:56:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18530191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dont_fold_the_pages/pseuds/dont_fold_the_pages
Summary: It's the age old story about a prophecy, a chosen one and a mystical fantasy realm. Except half the prophecy is missing, nobody knows what the chosen one has been chosen for, and the portal to the mystical realm is in the cupboard underneath the kitchen sink.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, it's Jorja from bonald-thiccdonald on Tumblr here! This is the first chapter of my first fic ever, so let me know what you think! Also this is verrrrrrrry loosely based on Yonderland (even less so than I was expecting) but if you haven't watched the show then it doesn't matter, because as I said, it's only very loosely based on it and I explain everything as best as I can. Enjoy!

Noah and Keith trudged forwards, pushing their way through the crowd that surged towards them like an incoming tide. A thousand pairs of eyes met theirs, each one brimming with tears - some from sadness and grief, others from the sting of smoke that hovered in the air. And where there's smoke, there's...

"FIRE!" The sea of people parted, and the two boys saw the source of all the panic. What had once been a village was now a pile of ash and rubble. Flames licked in fierce orange tongues towards the sky. Noah and Keith looked at each other with wide eyes. Only an idiot would be unable to realise how much danger the realm was in, which was unfortunate, as there were rather a lot of idiots in the realm of Smosh.

...

"You see, they use cream cheese to make the frosting, not normal cheese!" Sohinki proclaimed, holding a slice of cheesecake in the air as if he'd just won a grand trophy. His co-workers leaned towards him, squinting at the dessert in his hand.

"Nope," Lasercorn sighed, slumping back in his chair. "I don't get it."

"Perhaps it would help us to understand if we all took off our pant-"

"NO!" Joven's suggestion was cut off by a chorus of disgust. Sohinki wasn't sure whether Mari was pretending to gag, or whether that mental image had legitimately made her feel unwell.

Before this could escalate into yet another argument between the Elders, the door to the chamber opened with a large creak, announcing the arrival of Noah and Keith.

“Wise ones,” Keith began, offering a slight bow to his leaders out of respect, “we are in danger. The realm is being destroyed as we speak!”

“Villages are burning, castles are falling, and there are riots on the streets!” Noah continued.

Mari stood up, her expression grave. “You know what this means?”

“Flares are back in fashion?”   
“Ghosts are real?’  
“We finally get to play that game of naked twister I've been planning?”

Absolutely baffled by her friends’ suggestions, Mari shook her head. “No, no, and definitely no, Joven.” The men slumped back in their seats as Mari discarded their ideas one by one. “Don't you see? The prophecy has started!”

It became silent in an instant. Everyone had heard of the prophecy. Up until now, many had not believed it, but as dark clouds rolled over red skies and people started dying on their doorsteps, it's no wonder they turned to the stories they were told as children to bring them hope. It was said, that in Smosh's time of greatest need, a hero would emerge from another realm to save them. Nobody knew who this hero was, but it was their belief in a saviour that kept them strong during the hard times. Now, during the hardest times of all, they needed this hope more than ever.

“We need a Chosen One!” Lasercorn announced, startling Sohinki, who was daydreaming next to him.

“Indeed,” he said, acting like he had been listening the entire time. “Keith, Noah, you will travel through all of the realms in the universe to find someone suitable to be our chosen one, who will save us all from impending doom and almost certain death.”

Noah inhaled sharply. “Wow, uh, I'm honoured that you think we're the right people for the job, but I'm kind of busy so-”

“It is decided!” Joven declared, ushering them towards the door. “If you have any questions, feel free to ask!”

“Actually-”

Keith had many questions, but was cut off by the door being shut in his face. Noah sighed, and began to walk away, but Keith still stood and glared at the door.

“Hey! You know when I bowed for you guys earlier? You know, out of respect? Well I take it back! You guys suck!”


	2. The Chosen One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith and Noah finally find the Chosen One, but persuading her to help is a lot more difficult than they were expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support on my last chapter. I hope you enjoy this one!

Courtney used to be afraid of the dark. As a child, she thought that there were monsters lurking in the corners of her room. A noise wasn’t just a noise -  it was a murderer breaking into her house at night. Now that she was an adult, the things keeping her up were much more mundane. Tonight, it was stress.

She looked at the time on her phone. 3:17 AM. About two minutes since the last time she’d checked. Cursing under her breath, she shoved the covers onto the floor and started to get up. If she couldn't sleep then she may at least try and be productive. Wrapping a fluffy blanket around her shoulders, she walked sluggishly to her living room.

Collapsing on the couch, Courtney flipped open her laptop and began to type. She loved writing, but hated the ridiculous topics that the magazine she worked for forced her to write about. Her plan was to work for DefyMag until she'd saved up enough money to move to a tropical paradise and write cheesy romance novels until the day she died. Although, Courtney thought, if she had to write another paragraph about Kim Kardashian's rear end then the day she died might be closer than she was expecting.

Courtney found it easy to get lost in her writing, even if she didn't particularly enjoy it. Her fingers moved in fluid movements across the keyboard, and words quickly flooded the page. By the time that sun had started to rise, she had effortlessly written about three pages. She looked upon her creation with pride, taking in all of the hard work she'd just done. A smile spread across her face. For the first time since she'd started her job, she was happy. She thought that maybe, just maybe, this could all be worth it in the end. Maybe things were starting to turn around for Courtney Miller.

Darkness.

Courtney's positive train of thought was cut off almost as abruptly as the light. She screamed, frantically trying to tear the hood off her head, but two pairs of hands pinned her arms to her sides. Desperately, she tried to kick at her attackers, but her legs were bound together. _When did that happen?_ One pair of hands slid up her arms and onto her shoulders. Before she could react, she had been shoved off the couch and onto the floor, and her hands had been restrained behind her back.

Courtney felt fingers wrap around the rope around her ankles, and begin to drag her forcefully across the floor. The hairs on her arms stood on end, as she felt the carpet beneath her transition into cold stone tiles. Her kitchen. Why were they taking her to her kitchen? There was no way out through there. _They must be going to get a knife_. Tears soaked the fabric over Courtney's face as she let out a choked cry.

Her attackers moved their hands - one held her calves, the other held her waist. They lifted her up, and began to swing her like a hammock, backwards and forwards, over and over, building momentum, until they let go of her. Expecting her skull to collide with the hard stone beneath her, Courtney winced, and curled her face into her chest.

She crashed to the floor. At least, she thought it was the floor. It certainly wasn’t her kitchen floor, or the floor of any room in that house, for that matter. The ground was soft beneath her, a and the faint sounds of chirping birds informed her that she was outside.

Courtney felt the pressure leave her wrists and ankles, now free of their restraints. She removed the hood from her head, and looked at her surroundings. It was a forest, that much was clear, but it was unlike any forest she'd ever been in. The vines that grew up the sides of the trees seemed to constantly be writhing and crawling up the trunks, as if they were sentient. Three moons gazed down upon her. Beetles in colours that she had never seen before marched along with small morsels of unfamiliar fruit on their backs. Courtney had read books about places like this. And somehow, she had travelled there from her kitchen. She didn't quite know how, but she suspected that it might have something to do with the two men looking down at her.

“Hi!” Said one, a tall boy with big glasses and colourful hair, extending his arm to Courtney. She stood up without his assistance and glared at him.

“Did you bring me here?” Courtney's voice came out as a growl, her throat raw from the crying and screaming that she had done during her kidnapping. The second man pushed his sunglasses up to the bridge of his nose and turned to the first with a frown.

“Are you sure this is the Chosen One, Noah? It's just the prophecy said that she would be strong and brave, but she cried like a little baby when we put a bag on her head, tied her up, and kidnapped her!”

“Keith, I think that's quite a common reaction to being kidnapped. She's the one.”

Courtney marched up to the taller one, Noah, as she had just discovered, and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. “Now you listen here,” she hissed, “you will tell me what is going on, or I swear I will kill you!”

Keith nodded, a smirk playing on his lips. “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she is a fighter after all.”

Noah peeled Courtney's hand from his shirt, and rubbed his neck. “I would love to tell you, bit unfortunately that's not my job. Also I don't really know. So we're going to take you to our wise leaders who will tell you your fate.”

Pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes to suppress the tears, Courtney let out a shaky breath. “So you're telling me that you kidnapped me from my own house, took me to who knows where-”

“Smosh,” Keith cut in.

“Ok, to Smosh, whatever that means. You're saying that you went to all that effort, **_and you don't even know why you did it?_ **” Beads of sweat had formed on her brow, and her hands had closed into trembling fists.

“Well, we'll take you to our Elders, and they can-”

“Fine!” Noah jumped at the sudden interruption to his suggestion. “If I let you take me to see your stupid Elders and find out about my fate or whatever it is you wanted them to tell me about, will you take me home?” Keith and Noah exchanged awkward glances. “It's a yes or no question.”

“Yes?” The men said in unison and with no conviction whatsoever. Courtney didn't trust them, but they were the only people she knew who could get her back home. Noah gestured for her to follow him, and with Keith shortly behind, muttering something about how ungrateful she was, Courtney headed further into the dense forest. So dense, in fact, that she didn't notice the eyes observing her every move.

…

A man in dark clothes sat on a dark throne in a dark room. It was silent and still, except for the rise and fall of his chest as he stared off into the distance. He looked at peace, which was ironic, as peace was the last thing on his mind. His spies would be back soon, and then, he would be able to strike.

“We have news!” Ian tried to hide the fact that he was startled by his henchmen's voices by feigning a sneeze. Boze, Damien, and Shayne knelt on the floor in front of him, each with a wicked glint in their eye.

“The Elders have found their Chosen One,” Boze began, grinning maniacally.

“She is not of this realm.” Damien continued. “In fact, we have reason to believe that she may be from… America!”

“Unbelievable!” Ian gasped. “Tell me, what do they plan for the Chosen One to do?”

Boze and Damien turned to look at Shayne. “Well, you see, the thing is…” Ian raised an eyebrow questioningly. “I don't know.”

“WHAT? Why didn't one of you fools follow her? Why do you always have to do everything together anyway? It's weird!”

The three henchmen shuffled awkwardly where they knelt. “Right, here's the plan.” Ian stood up and stared each of them in the eyes. “You're going to find the Chosen One, capture her, and bring her to me. Understood?”

“Yes, boss,” the trio murmured, leaving the room. A smile flickered across Ian's face. This time, he might finally succeed in taking over Smosh once and for all.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long for me to post, but I hated what I'd written for this chapter before so I literally rewrote the whole thing. I'm much happier with it now, but let me know what you think!


	3. The Chamber of Elders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Elders of the realm of Smosh try to convince Courtney to take her place as the Chosen One, but Courtney just wants to go home and move on with her life. Meanwhile, Ian receives a message from a powerful ally.

Courtney felt very small as she entered the Chamber of Elders. Heavy wooden doors closed slowly behind her with an ear-splitting screech, enclosing her in the circular room. It would have been dark had it not been for the glass ceiling, which allowed moonlight to faintly illuminate the room. Along the chamber’s curved walls was a wooden bench, which was just high enough above the ground that the feet of the people sat upon it dangled a few inches above the stone floor.

“Courtney the Miller?” one asked, tucking a strand of purple hair behind her ear.

Her tongue felt too large in her mouth, as she was barely able to whisper “It’s just Courtney Miller.” The Elders’ brows furrowed with confusion, except for one, who glared at her with a wide, unblinking stare. Trying to ignore him, she inhaled sharply and tried to finish her sentence. “I’m not a miller, that’s just my name. I work for a magazine, and I’m actually quite busy writing, so if we could make this quick…"

An Elder with short, brown hair clapped loudly, startling Courtney and cutting off her excuses. “Courtney Miller,” he said, speaking with a lot of authority that she wasn’t entirely convinced that he had. “We, the Elders of Smosh, have brought you to our realm because you are the Chosen One, destined to save us all!” The other Elders nodded sagely, as if they thought that what their colleague had just said made any sort of sense.

Courtney wished she shared their mindset, but couldn't help but be confused. “I'm sorry, but if I'm the Chosen One then somebody has clearly chosen wrong. I'm not a hero! I can't fight battles or end wars!” Tears stang the corners of her eyes. In an attempt to regain her composure, she took a deep breath and continued shakily. “So I think the best thing here, for all of us, would be for you to take me home. That way I can get on with my life, and you can find a new Chosen One. One who might actually be able to save you!”

The final word echoed around the room. Keith wrapped an arm around Courtney's shoulders and smiled reassuringly. Though she could tell he was trying to cheer her up, the kindness on his face made her feel guilty that she couldn't save him, or anyone in the chamber for that matter.

Noah cleared his throat and stepped forwards. “Perhaps I can make a suggestion,” he said, talking to the Elders but looking at Courtney, who was grateful that the attention had been taken away from her. “What if we find a problem, and see if Courtney can solve it! If she can, then she is the Chosen One! If not, then we can return her home with a sincere apology.”

The Elders metaphorically and literally put their heads together to discuss this proposition. One Elder illustrated all his points with dramatic hand movements, almost knocking his glasses from his face. Keith shuffled closer to Courtney, and quietly gave her an introduction to the people sat in front of her. She tried to appreciate the gesture, as she knew he was only trying to make her feel better, but she could not help but feel more afraid when she learned that Elder Lasercorn once tried to fire Elder Joven out of a cannon into the sun.

After a few nods were exchanged, the Elders stood, and beckoned Courtney towards them. Each of them had a stony glare, except for Mari, who's kind expression reminded her of a friend or a sister. Taking one of Courtney's hands in her own, Mari said, softly, “I still believe that you are the Chosen One. Prove me right. There's a village nearby that's in trouble. Can you try and help?”

She didn't want to help. This wasn't her realm. She'd only met these people a few minutes ago. There was no reason for her to trust them. Two of them kidnapped her from her own home. All she wanted to do was leave.

“I'll do it.” Courtney could hardly believe what she was saying. But she was just too curious. She couldn't leave Smosh without finding out what had brought her there in the first place.

Noah and Keith cheered behind her. A grin spread across Mari's face as she pulled Courtney in for a hug. Joven and Sohinki high fived each other, and Courtney could have sworn that even Lasercorn's face showed some kind of human emotion.

Courtney surprised herself when she smiled along with everyone else in the room. She was still smiling as she left. Her brief encounter with the Elders had changed her perspective on a lot of things. She still wanted to leave, but perhaps she'd stay around a bit longer to try and figure out what she was doing there in the first place.

…

Ian lounged on his throne, with his head hanging off one side and his legs the other. Idly, he flipped a penny as he awaited the return of his minions. He could be rude to them, and he definitely didn't pay them enough, but he had to confess that he missed them when they weren't around.

He would never admit that he was scared. As a known criminal and overlord, it would not be fitting for him to be afraid of anything. But he felt far more comfortable sat in his throne room with his henchmen to protect him than he did now, alone, in the dark.

It had gotten to the point that Ian was ordering repairs and upgrades to his hideout, just so that there would be people to talk to. Today, a man in a vest and tie wired a projector up to the ceiling, whilst making small talk about card games. Ian hadn't played a card game since he was a child, but he appreciated hearing someone else's voice.

“Finished!” His guest, Tim, announced, climbing carefully down his ladder. Ian approached, eyeing up the black box that now took pride of place on the roof of his lair.

“So… how does it work?” Ian asked. Tim gave a detailed explanation of the function of all the buttons, as Ian nodded along thoughtfully. He knew exactly how his new gadget worked, though he pretended otherwise so that he might be able to get Tim to stay a little longer.

As they were discussing the mechanics of the projector, it flashed with a bold red light. Ian tried not to react, although he was grateful for the brightness it provided to the dim room. He reached for the remote control, and aimed it at the box.

The red hue was replaced by a rectangle of white light on the wall opposite Ian's throne. Black shadows danced around the screen, getting darker and larger as they merged together, until they formed the image of a woman. She wore a dark veil, obscuring much of her face, but her cat-like gaze pierced through. Ian dashed to his throne. He had never seen her before, but he knew who it was before she even spoke.

“You must be Olivia Sui,” he deduced, extending an arm for her to shake before remembering that he was looking at a projector image.

“Yes,” she hissed, “and you must be Ian.” Ian opened his mouth to respond, but Olivia held up a hand to silence him, the bracelets on her wrists clinking together. “Do not speak. Only listen. My plan to return to power is almost complete, but I need that woman gone. The one they call the Chosen One.”

“Well, you see, I'm working on it, but-”

“SILENCE!” Olivia bellowed, the volume of her voice causing the whole room to shake. “You will find her, or you will face the consequences. I do not want any… complications, when the time comes for me to take over the realm.”

Hastily, Ian stood up and offered a clumsy bow. “I am tracking her as we speak. I will not fail you.”

Olivia seemed amused, her eyes glinting mischievously through her veil. “No. You won't. Not if you want to live.” The broadcast cut out without another word, leaving Ian, once again, in silence.

He jumped as someone cleared their throat behind him. Tim smiled nervously, handing Ian a piece of paper.

“What is this?” Ian asked, struggling to see the page in the dark.

“It's your check, sir.” Tim lit a match and held it in front of him.

“Wow, that's a lot of zeroes. You're really making a killing with this business, aren't you?”

Tim shrugged. “It's the market conditions. You know how they are.”

Ian did not, but just smiled and nodded as he counted out banknotes to give to him. Money wasn't going to matter soon. Because once he had helped Olivia Sui take over Smosh, he would be one of the most powerful men in the realm, and money would be no object.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may seem a little slow, but originally I was going to combine this chapter and the next, until I realised that there was so much to say in the next chapter that I didn't want to risk losing anything by condensing it down. I hope you enjoy regardless!


	4. The Burning Village

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah and Keith return to the burning village, now with the Chosen One to aid their investigation. Meanwhile, Ian is regretting his decision to hire Boze, Damien, and Shayne.

Courtney walked in silence. She had little choice in this matter; Noah and Keith were chattering so constantly that she couldn't get a word in edgeways. It gave her time to think, so she didn't mind. But with thoughts come fears, and they were eating at Courtney's brain the entire journey.

_ What if I am the chosen one? How can I save an entire realm from unthinkable evil? But what if I'm not the chosen one? Am I supposed to let millions of people just die? Can I trust anyone? _

Consumed by her thoughts, Courtney didn't notice that her companions had stopped, and almost walked into them. She was about to complain, but when she saw why they'd stopped, she could barely say anything at all.

When Mari had told her that she was going to help a village, she'd expected rows of quaint little cottages with neat gardens and picket fences. Instead, she saw the cracks in the blackened pavement filled with ash. What she assumed had once been houses were now piles of smouldering rubble, embers still glowing. Families huddled together in the streets, surrounded by the few possessions they could salvage and clothes coated with soot.

“This is awful,” Courtney murmured, a lump forming in her throat. “Who would do such a thing?”

Without a word, Keith moved slowly towards the remains of what may have once been a house, and scooped up a handful of still flickering cinders. Courtney began to reach out a hand to stop him, but paused when she realised that he wasn’t getting burnt. He had fire in his hands, and yet he wasn’t burning. Somehow, she wasn’t surprised. There was so much that she had seen already that she couldn’t explain, and she expected that would continue. She’d just have to get used to it.

Keith held the pile of ashes up to his nose, and inhaled deeply. “I knew it,” he muttered. “This fire was caused by magic.”

“Of course there’s magic here too. What doesn’t this place have?” Keith and Noah ignored Courtney as they sifted through the cinders, brows furrowed in concentration.

“There’s only two wizards in the realm powerful enough to destroy a whole village like this,” Noah deduced as Keith nodded along. “Question is, which one? And why?”

With a flick of his wrist, Keith released the ashes into the air. Courtney's mouth dropped open as they twirled in the breeze, slowly transitioning from grey and black to gold. They settled on the ground, forming a shimmering trail that reminded her of the Yellow Brick Road from The Wizard of Oz.

Once again, Courtney was left following the boys in silence, although this time it was because her brain was too numb to make any sort of conversation. She shuffled along quietly, allowing the glittery path to lead them to a clearing in the forest. The trio were almost blinded as they entered, by a dense cloud of the sparkling substance that gathered around the two people who were arguing in front of them.

“You're so boring, Sarah,” the man said, folding his arms over his gaudy shirt.

Sarah's nostrils flared. “I'm not boring, Matt, I just do things properly!”

“Well, if 'doing magic properly’ means that I have to live like a hermit in a rundown shack in the middle of the forest, then I'm perfectly fine as I am!”

Both Matt and Sarah's hands twitched by their sides, like a pair of outlaws itching for a duel. Sparks danced around their fingers.

Pushing past Keith and Noah, Courtney stood between the two wizards with her outstretched arms issuing a silent command for them to stop.

“Hey, we're in the middle of something here!” Matt complained, his gaze never leaving his rival.

“Look, if trees work the same in your realm as it is in mine, then using your fire magic probably isn't a good idea,” Courtney explained, “You'll destroy the whole forest, just like you did with that village down the road!”

Sarah and Matt's expressions suddenly changed, from anger into guilt and shock. “My family… my home,” Matt gasped, his face creasing with emotion.

Sarah slowly edged past Courtney, and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I'm sorry Matt… I had no idea,” she said softly, “You can always stay at my house if you-”

“NO!” Matt's outburst startled everyone else in the clearing. “You did this. All because your stupid cat couldn't poop on its own damn property!” The sparks returned to his fingertips, more aggressive than before.

Courtney's brow furrowed in confusion. “You're telling me that this argument started because of cat poo? That you burned down an entire village over cat poo?”

“Yes. And I'd do it again.”

“ _ No you will not! _ ” Courtney felt like how her mother must have done, trying to keep seven children in check. “You will apologise, shake hands, and help me rebuild this village!”

“Oh yeah?” Sarah asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “And who are you to tell us what to do?”

Courtney took a shaky breath. “I am the Chosen One.” She tried to ignore Keith and Noah in her peripheral vision, silently cheering. “I have been brought to this realm to save it, be it from evil overlords, or just idiots like you.” Sarah opened her mouth to argue with her, but Matt slapped her on the arm to silence her.

“I tell you what we are going to do,” Courtney continued, “We are going back to that village, and we're going to rebuild it, with magic and a bit of elbow grease! Are you with me?”

Her final words echoed through the trees. Nervously, she met the eyes of her audience. They said nothing. She wanted to cry; she'd made a fool of herself now.

“WOOHOO! CHOSEN ONE!” Matt yelled, his hands applauding furiously. Soon after, Noah, Keith and Sarah had joined in too, clapping and cheering her name. Courtney smiled from ear to ear.

After the celebrations for her first triumph had died down, the five of them began their trek back to the village. Although the wizards had apologized for their spat, Courtney still didn't trust them together, so Sarah led the group to their destination whilst Matt brought up the rear. This stopped them from arguing, but it meant that nobody sensed the danger behind them until Matt let out a muffled scream.

They turned around just in time to see three pairs of hands dragging Matt roughly across the floor, his hands and feet tied, his mouth taped shut. As soon as they had appeared, they were gone. The only sign that they had been there was the slight disturbance in the leaves that coated the ground.

“What is it with kidnapping here? You're all at it!” Courtney sighed, fearing her Chosen One reputation was broken before it had even really begun.

…

“Did you do it?” Ian asked, tapping his fingers on the armrest of his throne. “Did you kidnap the Chosen One?”

Boze, Damien and Shayne grinned back at him excitedly. “Indeed we did, boss!” Boze snickered.

“She's a bit heavier than we thought,” Damien pondered.

“But we got her!” Shayne finished with a smile.

“Bring her in!” Ian commanded. His henchmen scuttled off to the next room, and returned with their prisoner, who was tied up with so much rope that they looked like they'd been mummified. With a flourish, Shayne sliced open the ropes, sending them tumbling to the floor.

Ian squinted at who they revealed. “That's not the Chosen One! I was told that the Chosen One was a pretty young woman! That-” He gestured towards his prisoner, “Is a middle aged man.”

The man in question winked at Ian. “I don't look it though, right? Right?” The henchmen mumbled in agreement.

“SILENCE!” Ian shouted. “Tell us where the Chosen One is! NOW!”

His prisoner smirked defiantly. “Can't remember.”

Ian sighed, and slid down in his throne slightly. “Very well. Minions! Take him away. Torture him.” The trio of demons giggled excitedly, dragging their prisoner out the room.

As the door slammed shut, the strange little gizmo that Tim had installed started to beep furiously. Fumbling for the remote, Ian turned on the projector to reveal Olivia Sui. What he could see of her eyes through her dark veil flashed with anger.

"I hear you have failed me," she hissed, her voice making Ian wince.

"Well, failed is a very strong word-"

"INCOMPETENT FOOL!" Ian tried to make an excuse, but no words would come out. "I'm sending someone to monitor your progress. To see if you are fit to fight for my cause. Wes will be there shortly."

Ian sighed. "Wes? Really? I hate-" He didn't finish his sentence before he felt a dark presence behind him. Turning slowly, he saw a tall, silver haired man glaring over his shoulder, his eyes expressionless. "I hate... That I didn't get a chance to tidy up before you got here! Wes, old friend, how are you?" He received no response. With the conversation coming to a definite end, Ian began to wonder what was happening to the prisoner next door.

The captive still smiled smugly. “There's nothing you can do to make me talk.”

“Oh really?” Shayne inquired. “That's what they all say.” Damien grabbed their hostage's jead, and turned it to face Shayne. Boze smiled as Shayne said the famous words that had broken every prisoner they'd ever had.

“ _ You're my favourite pizza place _ !”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I had exams all last week! I hope you enjoy this chapter!


	5. The Valley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courtney, Noah, and Keith have to pass through a mysterious valley in order to save Matt Raub. Meanwhile, Ian and Wes check that the henchmen are torturing Matt properly.

Only a few minutes earlier, Courtney had felt like a hero. But what kind of hero let her allies get captured?

She noticed that her companions seemed far less concerned about the whole situation than she was. Noah relaxed on the ground, fanning himself dramatically with a large leaf. Keith sat cross-legged beside him, juggling a handful of rocks and singing quietly to himself.

Sarah emerged from behind a tree. "Well, I guess I'll be off then!"

"Off?" Courtney spun around to face her, voice and eyebrows raised in confusion. "Off where?"

"Home, I guess. Matt's gone, and I can't help that village all by myself. So I'm just gonna go home until you find him."

"Or… you could just help us find him?"

Sarah considered this for a moment, before shaking her head. "Nah. Can't be bothered." Without another word, she turned sharply and skipped back the way they had come. Courtney seethed silently. If only she could give up that easily. But she'd just done a massive speech about how she was accepting her fate as the Chosen One, and it would be a bit embarrassing for her to go back on that within half an hour of saying it. Besides, despite his loud shirts and voice, Courtney had grown to like Matt Raub in the short period of time that she had known him, and felt it was her duty to rescue him. After all, rescuing a wizard who had been kidnapped by an unknown evil force seemed pretty chosen-y to her.

"Up up up!" Courtney clapped her hands to punctuate her words. Noah groaned as he heaved himself up from the floor where he had been sprawled, using Keith's shoulder to help balance him.

"Do either of you have any idea where they might have taken Matt?"

"Oh yeah," Keith said, as if what he was about to say was completely obvious. "Those guys work for Ian. They'll have taken him to his lair."

Courtney made a noise that was some strange combination of a "hmmm?" and a "huh?", encouraging the boys to tell her more about Matt's captor.

"He's Smosh's local evil overlord," Noah continued, earning a questioning look from Keith.

"Evil overlord? That's quite a strong phrase. He's more of a general nuisance. This is the first actually evil thing he's ever done."

"Good for him!"

Courtney blinked at their ramblings, and cut in before they could get too off topic. "Do you know where we can find him?" The boys nodded, but their faces became particularly glum. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"To get to Ian's lair you have to go through… The Valley." Noah shuddered as he spoke.

"Ooh, a valley! That's terrifying!" Courtney's voice dripped with sarcasm.

Keith shook his head. "It's not just a valley. People who go there are never the same when they come out."

"And it's the people who don't leave who are the biggest mystery of all," Noah added, speaking more seriously than she'd ever heard him. "The Valleyfolk. No one knows quite what they are. Demons? Vampires? Goats with peepees for horns?"

Keith furrowed his brow. "Who on realm says the last one?"

"Joven."

Watching the daylight hours slowly fade away, Courtney interrupted their conversation. "I don't care if the valley is full of monsters that specifically eat people called Courtney - we need to go through. Even though his name sounds more like an estate agent than an overlord, this Ian guy is the first actually evil thing that we've come across. He must be the person I'm destined to stop. Where is this valley?"

Pointing a finger lazily, Noah drew Courtney's gaze to a nearby tree, upon which "Teh Valie" was carved in child-like handwriting. Beside the tree was a huge cast iron gate, covered in padlocks, none of which were actually keeping the gate shut. Cautiously, Courtney beckoned for the boys to follow her.

"Visitors?" A shrill voice echoed around the narrow streets. In unison, the doors of the terraced houses swung open, and the Valleyfolk emerged. There was significantly less of them than she had expected, four to be exact, which made her worry about what might have happened to all the other people who may have once lived here. They lined up in front of her, each one of them wearing an outfit that vaguely resembled a sack of potatoes, their faces plastered with grins usually only seen on clowns and particularly sadistic serial killers. However, it soon became evident that the Valleyfolk had far more in common with the former.

"Good morning travellers!" A pink-haired woman greeted them, her statement juxtaposed with the setting sun behind her.

"Uh, hi!" Courtney extended her arm to the tallest member of the Valleyfolk. He clasped his hand in a vice-like grip around her wrist, and began shaking it vigorously. It took the combined efforts of Keith and Noah to prise his fingers open to release Courtney, who's bones clicked and complained in protest of their rough treatment.

She massaged her bruising arm, and indicated with her head for Noah to continue the exchange. "So… for such a big valley there's not very many of you living here. Is it just you guys?"

"Mmm-hmm!" The dark-haired man who replied nodded his head with the enthusiasm of a woodpecker's relentless tapping on a tree trunk. "People come here sometimes, but they always leave quickly. They say it's because we're too… what's that word again?"

"Sexy?" The final Valleyfolk member suggested, his face contorting in such a way that it looked like he had sucked on a lemon. Courtney assumed he was failing at demonstrating the sexiness he was talking about.

"No, no. What was it?" The others shrugged at the dark-haired man's question.

"Stupid?" Courtney suggested. The Valleyfolk pondered this for a moment, before mumbling in agreement.

"Right, now we've got that all cleared up, what can we do you for for you now for you?" Courtney took a second to translate that sentence in her brain before responding.

"We were just passing through, actually." The Valleyfolk sighed in disappointment, and the woman started sniffling softly. "Can you show us the way through? It's really important. We need to rescue my friend from Ian, and-"

Four frightened gasps made Courtney stop in her tracks. The tallest man in The Valleyfolk leaped towards the shortest man, as if to jump into his arms. Unfortunately, his hands were occupied, covering his mouth in shock, so his friend ended up collapsed on the floor in a heap.

Courtney felt a weight in her palm. She looked down, and saw a small box, pink like the woman's hair, and engraved in the same scruffy way as the tree by the gate. The writing read "luv from Jo, Steev, Elyut and Leeeeeeeeee". The woman, Lee, she presumed, smiled up are her.

"Take this. You'll need it."

Courtney looked at her, confused. "What is it?"

"It's a music box. You can use it to save the realm."

Not entirely convinced, but also not wanting to dwell in The Valley for longer than they had to, Courtney thanked the Valleyfolk. "Now, can you show us the way out?"

"Ummmmm…"

The trio of travellers sighed. They just had to hope that Matt was doing okay, wherever he was.

…

Ian slowly paced along the corridor of his lair towards the room where his captive was being held. Before he entered, he pressed his ear against the door, listening to make sure his minions were doing their job. He didn't  _ want _ to kill them, but if they didn't do what he said, he had to get rid of them. He still missed Anthony.

Satisfied with the strangled screams he could hear, he burst open the door, expecting to see his victim pleading for his life and telling him everything. What he did see was rather unexpected to say the least.

For a start, the screams weren't coming from Matt, but from Shayne. In fact, technically, it wasn't even screaming, although Shayne's singing was so awful that it was hard to tell. Damien acted as both his cheerleader and his backing dancer, and failed at both. Meanwhile Matt was sitting comfortably in an armchair, listening to Boze complain about issues with her family like he was some kind of therapist.

Ian's nostrils flared, and he grew so heated that he was surprised steam wasn't coming out of his ears. "What on realm is this? Olivia has sent Wes to check we're following orders. If he sees this, he'll kill us!"

Someone cleared their throat behind him. Ian didn't have to look to know that Wes was being his usual shadowy self, watching his every move. "Right. Well. Carry on then, minions. Make sure you do some good torturing." Ian left the room, but watched the scene from just out of West's sight, so he could know if he had to run for his life at any point.

Boze stood up, and walked over to Matt. "I am so, so sorry about this," she apologized, before she raised her hand above her head, and brought it down in a fierce slap across his face. Shayne continued screaming, but that was torture for anyone, whether he intended it to be or not. Damien smoked an imaginary cigarette, and began recounting all of his theories of how babies were made. Wes looked satisfied with this, and therefore, so was Ian. He breathed a sigh of relief, turning around to walk back to his throne room.

As he turned, he came face to face with Wes, who moments ago had been standing several yards away at the door of the torture chamber (which was known as the games room on most other days). Ian jumped back in fear, clasping a hand over his heart. "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing," Wes smiled, his voice oozing with malice. "Let's just say I'm a diplomatic envoy. I'm just here to report your progress back to Olivia. So what I should be asking is what do  _ you  _ want?"

"Me?"

"When you catch the Chosen One. What will you do with her?"

Ian racked his brain for the answer that wouldn't get him killed. "Whatever Olivia wants me to, sir."

He could never tell what Wes was thinking. His face always carried the same smug expression, so he couldn't tell whether that was the right answer or not.

Maintaining eye contact, Wes moved backwards along the corridor, not appearing to be walking, but gliding along the floor, until he reached Ian's throne room. He slammed the door shut, seemingly without even touching it.

Ian waited for a moment longer before releasing a heavy sigh. He began walking, to who knows where now that his throne room was decidedly out of bounds. Taking one last look over his shoulder, he muttered under his breath:

"Weirdo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that it's been literally weeks since the last update. I was working on something for another fandom (which I still haven't finished so go me!) But it's finally here and I hope you enjoy!


	6. A confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courtney has arrived at Ian's lair. Meanwhile, Ian is questioning his loyalty and Olivia reveals her true plan.

Ian lounged on his throne, watching his minions play video games together. Boze sat approximately two inches from the screen, her focused, unblinking stare causing her eyes to get red and irritated. Behind her, Damien held his controller high above his head, which Shayne attempted to snatch from him, to no avail. 

He loved his minions, but Ian couldn't help but feel detached from them at times. They always seemed much closer to each other than to him, and why wouldn't they? Every day, he sent them out on missions for him, together, whilst he sat in his lair, alone, just waiting for them to come back. 

A chill whistled through the throne room. Ian rolled his eyes. Wes was such a drama queen. Why did he feel the need to do that every time he entered a room? 

“Working hard?” he sneered as he approached, his flowing black robes billowing in the wind that he was somehow creating. Ian was looking forward to the Chosen One’s arrival, if only because it meant that he’d finally get rid of Wes. God, he was weird. He’d even seen him sleeping upside down, like a bat. 

“Yes, yes,” Ian replied, quickly reaching for the remote. His minions groaned as their video game was switched off, and replaced with a powerpoint full of pictures of gruesome murders. “Very busy, working very hard, don’t you worry about me!” 

A bell chimed, echoing ominously. “Henchmen!” Ian called out. Boze, Damien and Shayne wrenched their gaze from the screen to face him. Their eyes were rimmed with red, from staring at the television for hours. “Go to the front door, find out who it is, and tell them to go away!” It was times like these that Ian wished that his minions didn't like each other quite so much. As usual, they all went together, chatting merrily, leaving Ian alone with Wes.

He tried to stare straight ahead, ignoring the eyes boring into the back of his head, but the sensation of Wes's eyes on him sent a chill down his spine. Fed up of his, for lack of a better word, guest, Ian leapt out of his throne and turned to confront him.

“What do you want?” he yelled, shaking in his fury. Wes raised an eyebrow, and smirked. His patronising facial expression enraged Ian even further. “Like, what do you actually want? Why are you even here?”

Wes chuckled at his anger. “Olivia sent me here. She wanted me to make sure that you were running this operation effectively.” His words were slow and deliberate, and felt harsh on Ian’s ears.

“And now you’ve seen it, and you know that I can, and you can leave now, right?”

“Can I? Have you really shown me that you are efficient enough for your task?” He drummed his fingers on the back of Ian’s throne. “Because I don’t see the Chosen One here. Something must be going wrong.”

Ian stammered, looking for a good argument but finding none. Fortunately for him, he didn’t need to think of one, as his minions came barrelling through the door.

"We did as you asked, sir!" Damien announced, beaming proudly.

"We opened the door," Boze explained, miming her action.

"Saw who it was," Shayne continued.

"And told them to go away!" Damien finished.

Ian rubbed his hands together, a smug grin on his face. "Excellent," he chuckled, making sure to make contact with Wes before he acknowledged his minions. Maybe now this assertion of authority over whatever measly beggar had come knocking on his door would convince Wes that he was competent enough to be left alone! "Who was it, anyway?"

"Olivia."

Okay, maybe he wasn't going to get the resounding praise be was expecting. In a panic, he bolted out the room towards the front door. He hoped Olivia was in a good mood, because being executed was absolutely not on his agenda for the day, or any day in the foreseeable future for that matter. 

Taking a deep breath, Ian opened the front door. Olivia glared back at him. Her nostrils flared as she pushed past him without a word. Following suit, Ian silently celebrated the fact that he wasn’t dead yet with a small fist pump. As they entered the throne room together, Wes bowed gracefully for his leader. Olivia moved so she was within inches of him, and spoke to him in a hushed tone.

“Is it ready?”

“Yes, your darkness. He doesn’t suspect a thing.”

Apparently their tone wasn’t as hushed as they thought it was, because Ian caught every word. “Excuse me? I hope I’m not the he you were referring to! Not that you could hide anything from me! I have the eyes of a hawk, and the ears of a bat, and the tongue of a-” He paused, realising that Olivia and Wes had left the room. Sighing, he slumped dramatically back down in his throne. "Oh, what's the point anymore? I'm not going to get any of those riches I was promised, am I? I'm not even having that much fun." His minions offered some mutterings of half hearted consolations, an effort which he appreciated, but didn't improve his mood.

Footsteps echoed from a corridor, but not the one Olivia and Wes had left through, and there was definitely more than two people. On any other day Ian would have leapt up and pursued the intruders with his sword, but today he was so fed up that he could barely move. Also, he didn't own a sword, a realisation that wasn't making him feel any better.

"Hello? Ian?" An unfamiliar woman's voice called out. "It's me, Courtney. The Chosen One? I just want to talk."

Ian's minions looked at him with feral malice, begging him to let them attack. He considers this for a minute, before shaking his head dismissively. "I'm in here," he yelled, which led to Boze, Damien and Shayne exchanging fearful glances.

"If you let them in here they'll kill us!" Boze cowered, to Ian's confusion.

"What? Do you seriously think that the warrior sent from another realm who has been prophesized to destroy all evil in the realm would seriously come here to - oh gods she's going to kill us isn't she?"

Ian gnawed on his fingernails as the footsteps grew louder, and closer. As the door opened with a mighty groan, he hid his face in his hands, awaiting the final blow that never came. Instead of the sharp sting of a sword, what he felt on the back of his neck was the soft comforting touch of a hand.

"Are you ok?" Courtney asked softly when their eyes met. She didn't radiate cruelty like she'd imagined. In fact, it was the opposite. Her smile shone like the sun, leaving Ian basking in her warmth and kindness.

He didn't know why he expected from her. She was good, and he was bad. That's what Olivia had been telling him since Courtney arrived. That's what Wes had been telling him since Courtney arrived. That's what his parents had been telling him, since before Courtney was even born. He was evil, and he had to stop anyone who was good.

Except he wasn't evil. Not really. Sure, he had the dark lair, and the dark cape, but his thoughts weren't dark. He didn't take any joy in torture, or killing. That's just what he'd always been told he should do, so he did it, no questions asked. Maybe now was the time to start asking questions.

"Can you help me?" Ian's lips quivered, as he finally gave in to his emotions and let his sadness out. "Can I help you? Can we help each other?"

Ian was suddenly surrounded by arms. Courtney's arms. Noah's arms. Keith's arms. In a hug. The first hug he'd had in… ever. He never knew how much he needed kindness until he finally received some.

More arms snaked into the bundle. His minions. He realised he'd never hugged them before. He'd never even said well done, or thank you. They must be feeling like him. Alone.

"What are you doing?" Ian took a sharp breath, and turned to fave Olivia. Her eyes had narrowed, and her nostrils flared. Wes stood beside her, a sly smile playing on his lips. He knew this would happen. Ian could just tell. 

"I'm helping the right side now, Olivia. The good guys." He hoped he sounded braver than he felt.

Olivia pursed her lips, a twinkle appearing in her eyes. "Actually, I don't think you're going to have time for that." Wes left the room silently, the lack of his presence barely noticed by the group who were fixated on Olivia. "Because I've been very busy. I've had Wes here for weeks. Do you know why that is?"

"To keep an eye on me," Ian replied, confused at where this exchange was going. "To make sure I was doing my job properly."

"Not exactly. He was doing all that, that is true, but that is not all I sent him here to do."

At that, the entire wall of the lair moved to the side. Ian didn't even know that it could do that. Wes walked through the newly created gap, pulling behind him a small wagon, upon which was something large, obscured from view by a velvet curtain. With a flourish, he pulled the curtain and allowed it to cascade onto the floor. 

It was a robot, that much was clear. A very big robot. One of its hands could have picked up everybody in the room, and Ian wasn't entirely convinced that it wouldn't do that. Cogs clicked as they rotated in the giant's joints, bringing it to life. It raised its brassy head, and though it's eyes were just flashing lights, they seemed to gleam menacingly.

"This is Defy-bot," Olivia announced proudly, laying a hand on her work. "I had Wes make it for me to help me take over the realm. And best of all-" her eyes narrowed as she spoke, "it only answers to me."

Ian and his newfound friends moved closer together. Olivia snapped her fingers, and the robot lifted its head. 

"Defy-bot - destroy them!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it has been a while since the last update! Sorry for the long gap! Writer's block is a buggar. I hope you guys are ready for the next chapter which will definitely be the most action packed!


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